I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
