I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
this hospital has no fireball
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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