Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
