Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
