my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
