I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
