there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My bed smells like the plague
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
