he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
