I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
