Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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