I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
