Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
