Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
