Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..