I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.