have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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