Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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