I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
