did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
