i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
