I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
