The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
