I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
