don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
