No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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