It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
