i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
