so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
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Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
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my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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