haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
