I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.