I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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