Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
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Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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