woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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