Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
