Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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