I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
