He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
