2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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