cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
