If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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