I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
