woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
