im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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