when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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