When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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