I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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