if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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