the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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