I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
