Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
