Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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