super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My vagina just recognized that song.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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