I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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