just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
