My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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