If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
