My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
