A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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