I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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