so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
