Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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