I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
