What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
