And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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