were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
