Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
