Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
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