Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
